Making Anastasia's Dreams Come True
The most precious resources we can give her is encouragement and our time.
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Lyz Lenz has a wholly depressing article out this week about girls giving up their dreams and how society pressures them to do it. It made me think about Anastasia and how much effort we’ve put into making sure she doesn’t have to do that.
When Anastasia was five or so, she took ballet classes. Because of course she did. We suffered through a six-month phase where she would wear a tutu all the time. Once, she demanded to wear a tutu on top of her tutu. Because one was just not enough. Oy.
We were able to afford this class because Alexandria City has a heavily subsidized recreation program that offers dozens of different activities. Because of this, we were able to send her and Jordan to summer camp and after-school programs that would normally be well out of our ability to pay for. There, they were able to engage in a wide variety of activities we simply would not have been able to provide them.
At the time, Debbie was making less than half of what she does now. It was a struggle to put the money together but we knew it was important for the kids to do something other than be at home watching TV.
That meant, however, we did not have the money to do other things Anastasia wanted to do. We couldn’t afford roller skating or ice skating lessons. Neither Debbie nor I skate and we didn’t know anyone who could teach her. Luckily, we found inexpensive swimming lessons because, oh boy, did we butt heads when I tried to teach her myself.1
Time passed and Anastasia started to play the cello in 3rd grade. She loved it and took to it like a fish in water. When Covid closed everything down in 4th grade, we rented a cello so she could keep playing the rest of that year and through all of 5th grade. It wasn’t cheap, but it was important to her. And, of course, no summer camp so we had some extra money.
I eventually found a place relatively close by in Maryland with affordable roller skating lessons and we spent several weeks doing that. We didn’t go long enough for Anastasia to get good at skating but enough to get her started. Ice skating remained out of reach, though. We didn’t quite know where to go, lessons were prohibitively expensive, and we still didn’t have anyone who could help her.
This was seriously grating on my nerves.
One of the things I really wanted to do was make sure Anastasia had the opportunities I did not. I remember learning to play the recorder for a few weeks when I was in maybe 3rd grade. After that? Nothing. I do not recall a single mention of orchestra or band for the rest of my elementary or middle school. Did either of my high schools have band/orchestra? Maybe? I never heard about it so, oh well! Sucks to be me.
As for skating? We couldn’t afford roller skates so I never learned. I went ice skating once and knocked myself unconscious (no helmet, you see) so we never went again.2 Skateboarding? No. I did learn to ride a bike, though. So there’s that.3
There’s more but you get the idea. There was a lot of stuff I wanted Anastasia to be able to do that I couldn’t. In an ideal world, Jordan would be doing these things too, but, well, you know.4
We are finally at a place, though, where we have the time (and money) to have at it. My Saturdays are spent mostly taking Anastasia ice skating (a work in progress) in the early afternoon. A friend of hers from school is teaching her and it’s coming along well.5 I then take her roller skating in the evening. At this point, she’s teaching herself how to roller skate and she is highly motivated.
Her grandparents got her a skateboard for Christmas so when it gets warmer, I’ll be taking her to a skatepark. She will be covered in protective gear and I don’t care how dorky she thinks she looks. Falling on roller skates is very different than flying off of a skateboard. I’ll let you know how that works out. Preferably not from an emergency room.
Still, this is what she wants to do and I am not going to stop her. I’ll just clean up the scrapes, put a band-aid on, kiss her on the head, and send her back out.
Meanwhile, the high school she is going to next year has an IB program6 which, as an over-achieving nerd, she is very intent on doing. But there is a possibility she would have to drop orchestra which would be like cutting off her arm. We’ve been telling her for months that while IB would be nice, AP courses are just as good and she would get to keep playing cello.
It’s hard to overstate how much she loves doing this. Last year, she was in regular orchestra, advanced, and honors. Her teacher had her all over the place but she loved every second of it. Why should she sacrifice something she loves because the school recently decided academics were more important than the arts? No, thank you. Also, she’s really good at it so why stop because someone else said so? This is the kind of “drop your dreams and move on crap” Lenz was talking about.
If we’re putting this much effort into letting Anastasia follow her dreams, I’ll be damned if I let a school quash them. So far, it seems to be going well!
I’m happy to report that despite Lenz pointing out that girls frequently learn to view themselves as less smart and capable than boys beginning all the back in Kindergarten, this has not been a problem for Anastasia. Putting aside her deeply held belief, even at age 14, that “boys are stupid,” Anastasia has what I have long described as “a level of self-confidence bordering on reckless.”
I’ve had to caution her, on more than one occasion, to dial it back a bit. It’s one thing to know you’re smarter than most of the people around you. It’s quite another to let them know you know it. In other words, don’t be a dick about it. Unless, of course, they’re a jerk to you. Then feel free to be as condescending as you want. You may recognize this as the basis for my entire writing style.7
So far, she’s survived the horror that is middle school intact. Hopefully, Anastasia will also make it through the jungle that is high school. I suspect she will. The girl is all but immune to peer pressure. She knows what she wants and she does what she wants. I’ve often teased her that I’m going to terrorize the first person she dates and brings home. No, not by threatening to kill them if they do anything inappropriate,8 but by sitting them down and asking them, very seriously, “Are you sure you know what you’re getting into? It’s not too late to run for your life.”
For some reason, Anastasia gets really mad at me when I say this. I can’t imagine why. :)
Have I mentioned that Anastasia did not develop a personality so much as had one pre-loaded from birth? “Stubborn” is not an expansive enough word. Fortunately, I have more practice at not budging or life would have been far more difficult in the Rosario household.
I tried again when I was 20 and sprained my ankle so badly, I couldn’t walk on it for almost a month. I still have nightmares about the sensation of my ankle bending sideways. So…never again.
You may be asking why I don’t go learn now, or maybe 10 years ago? Simple: I’m 6’2” and between 270 and 300 pounds depending on what date you’re talking about. The bigger they are the harder they fall is a truism. When you fall, you go bump. When I fall, I get hurt, sometimes permanently. I got lucky with my ankle. Next time, it won’t be a sprain.
Fuck you, autism.
Anastasia refuses to take professional lessons now. She’ll learn what she can from her friend but she wants to do the rest herself.
International Baccalaureate - It’s a college-level curriculum set to international standards. There’s more to it than that. It’s…complicated.
Who? Me? Nah. I’m all smiles and sweetness and delight!
Pffft! Like I would ever be such a boring stereotype.
One suggestion.
I never want to be the smartest person in the room.
It's far better to hang out with people who are smarter than me and a thousand times better to not find out you're not the smartest person the hard way. You can not learn unless you up the game. (As Anastasia is doing.)
I went to Penn and a number of freshmen in my class were horrified to discover they were no longer the smartest person on the floor much less the school. They had been the smartest person since kindergarten all the way to valedictorian and it threw them out of kilter. And now they were in classes where easily half of the kids had also been the smartest kid.
Not fun.
(I went to a highly competitive HS and already knew I wasn't.)
Hardest worker is the best strategy although most charming comes in a close second. 😁
Secondly, are you in Montgomery? Because the Youth Orchestra program might be useful.
https://mcyo.org/?page_id=157
Last, as the child of a blue collar worker, you're already teaching her the most important lesson. You're teaching her to find her opportunities instead of expecting them to be handed to her. My mother taught us that and it still pays off.
Good luck.
Yes to cello! Playing music will stay with her all her life. An IB course won't have the same impact, unless one develops IBS, and that's just misery.